Shut up and take it, meat.

I like to ride my bike to work (think Peewee Herman, not Easy Rider). It’s good exercise, gives me some mental quiet time, and in theory helps extend the life of my ancient piece of shit car by giving that fucker some rest. For the most part I take back roads, but the final mile and a half involves an inevitable stretch of four-lane state highway with a 50 mph speed limit. The road has a nice, wide shoulder, though, so I feel safe on it and it has only rarely been at all hairy in the five years I’ve been riding it.

I should also mention that I try to be a conscientious biker. I know I have rights as a biker, but I also know that the roads were built primarily for cars and that, in a purely practical sense, a car will fucking kill the shit out of me with no difficulty should we happen to collide. So I stay the fuck out of the way of cars, especially on the aforementioned highway. I am not one of the Critical Mass, “cyclists’ rights” shitbreathers who ignores stop signs and takes up entire lanes of traffic because “it’s my right to do so”.

Today I met my antithesis. As I turned the corner onto this highway, I see all kinds of fucked up traffic. People jamming on their brakes and swerving from the right lane to the left. I look down the road to see what the hell is happening, and I see this stupid, stupid, stupid motherfucker on a bike, going about 10 mph in the middle of the right lane, despite the speed limit being 50, and despite a beautiful, well-paved, four foot wide shoulder just to his right.

I am ENRAGED. This piece of shit is making himself, and by proxy me and all other cyclists, look like fucking ASSHOLES. I know I need to say something to this fuck, so I pedal hard to get up the initial hill and catch this dickhole. Finally, at the crest of the hill I catch up to him, and while passing him on his right side (amidst continually swerving traffic behind him) I say “You should ride in the shoulder. It’s safer.” His idiotic response was, “But there’s two lanes.”


This is it. This is the culmination of two and a half decades of Critical Mass rides and cyclist “rights” movement bullshit. We’ve gotten to the point where dumbasses forego riding on a perfectly safe shoulder to instead ride in the middle of a lane on a fucking HIGHWAY, where there is absolutely NO CHANCE of reaching even half the speed limit on a bike. “There’s a lane, so I should bike in it, and everyone else be fucked,” is the thinking. I know full fucking well that if this bag of ostrich shit were driving and came up on some old ass guy doing 15 in a 50 zone (yes, I realize this is an ageist comment; suck me), he would freak out, jump out of the car, and use a tire iron to stove the guy’s fucking head in. But he’s on a bike. Bikers have rights to the road, and they should be exercised in all cases regardless of the practical merits of the action, so that one can stage the very important mini rebellion that will finally get bikers recognized as people. WE SHALL OVERCOME

As I turned left in front of him to get into my office driveway, cutting him off on purpose, I said “Well, you’re gonna get killed.” I kind of hope he does. Fuck him. Fuck bikers. I’m gonna start pogo sticking to work.

You’re gay and you’re mad?

So some states are passing, “religious freedoms” bills designed to allow bible thumpers the right to deny some services to you and this has you all up in arms, right?  Well, stop being an asshole and accept the fact that you don’t have the right to force others to serve you.  Even more mad now, are you?  Well, read on.


First, some background info on me; I’m straight and an Atheist.  I don’t care if you like men, women or Chihuahuas.  I’ll serve a person if they’re wearing a cross, a rainbow shit or a <insert politician I hate> button as long as your money is green.


I’m in business to make money and I don’t give a fuck about your personal beliefs or lifestyle when it comes to you handing me money.  Now obviously, the people who wanted these laws passed don’t feel the same way as me but why do you think they should be required to take your money?  Do you think if they’re forced to accept you that we’ll all start holding hands and singing Kumbaya together?  Not likely.


Think it’s an injustice? It’s not; it’s allowing people to be themselves.  Your desire to force them to serve you is akin to someone forcing you to do something you’re against.  Look, you want to be mad, great, but stop trying to fight this with anything other than your wallet.  Don’t patronize the places that don’t want to serve you; they don’t get your money and you don’t have to deal with them.  Also, if they don’t have to serve you because of their beliefs, that means you don’t have to serve them if you don’t like their beliefs.  You’re gay and you have a private business?  Don’t serve Christians….or Trump supporters.

I served for this??

I tend to stay out of political discussions as I find it to be a waste of time.  In many ways, it’s like religion; beliefs with no basis in fact, and the person you’re discussing it with will only dig their heels in further when you try to change their mind.  I don’t have time for that…most of the time.


Recently, I was configuring my tablet to work with our DirecTV and once I got it working, I started exploring.  One of the channels I switched it to was CNN and the Republican debate was on.  I wasn’t planning on watching any of it, but ended up watching about 30 minutes because it was like a gruesome car wreck; I couldn’t look away  They weren’t debating the issues and they weren’t outlining any sort of plan they had if they were to get elected.  No, none of the things you would hope that they would be talking about.  Basically, they were comparing their dicks and arguing who had the biggest one.  Not literally, mind you, but that’s what it was.  If I closed my eyes, I might have believed that I had tuned in, “professional wrestling”.  All that was missing was someone getting hit in the face by a metal folding chair.


Our Presidential election has turned into a reality show.  I know some people would like to blame Obama for that and some of the blame is his, I guess.  I mean, I don’t remember any President doing the talk show circuit before him, not even Bubba.  Every single person running for the Democrat or Republican nomination right now has to take some of the blame, as well as the media for promoting this shit.  However, the bulk of the blame goes on the American people who all but demanded this.  No longer are the issues important; in fact, they’re down right boring to us.  We have to be shocked.  We have to be amazed.  We don’t need to educate ourselves about the candidates as long as they entertain us.


So, I ask you, I served for this?


I’m not one of those guys who needs, or even wants your thanks for my service because quite honestly, I didn’t do it for you.  I don’t talk about it often, not because I’m not proud of my service, but because of all the, what feels like, false appreciation that comes my way.  No, I’m not telling you that I served to somehow make you think that you need to believe me, or that I have some special insight into anything.  I’m telling you this because I did my duty and now I feel like it was a waste of time.  I continue to do my duty by trying to look beyond the theatrics and vote for the person who I believe will serve me best.  I don’t expect, or even want everyone to serve in the military, but I do expect you to do your duty.  I expect you to not be a sheep.  I expect you to see what is going on behind the curtain.  I don’t care if you vote for a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, or Punxsutawney Phil.  I do care if you’re sole reason for voting for that person is because that’s what everyone else is doing, or even worse, so some other guy (or gal) won’t get elected.


Many of you are thinking right now, “Well duh, that’s what we’re doing.  We’re going to vote for the person who will best represent us.”  Well, you’re a fucking moron, because only a moron would believe that any of these circus clowns that the Democrats and Republicans are trying to shove down our throats are there to represent you.


America, you’re going to get what you deserve, and I regret putting on a pair of boots for you.